WHAT IS BETTER, OBEDIENCE OR SINCERITY?

 

 

Account    illumination

 

I was a child that was hard to obey my parents. I have refused their orders since I was small until I'm grown up now.

Social norms oblige every child to obey their parents. Those norms are derived from our eastern tradition, teachings of religions, and educations of schools.

Consequences that I got as causes of disobediences deserved to punishments. In my childhood my ears were often pulled, my face was slapped, my body was often hit by using rattan stick, and my mouth was rubbed by using chili. I was kept in dark warehouse. I also got mental punishment, my right to enjoy playing, watching TV, and some child's pleasures were banned, being cursed viciously that has broken my heart, like saying some taboo words, some regrets because of my deeds, negative hopes for my misfortune or even my death, followed by some claims on their sacrifices for my birth, feeding, taking care, educating, and everything I deserved to have it as their child. Then, they punished me with negative predicates and they have done it over and over again in their lifetimes, and have terrified me to prevent of being fought.

I have grown to be a difficult person because of their mental punishments. I wanted to commit suicide, luckily I didn't make it, but my broken heart couldn't be fixed when my parents were facing their problems that didn't related to me, but I was abused till the bitter end. I felt tortured and deeply grieved of their abuses as the same as slavery. They rejected my protests, with a classical reason of sacrifice that they had claimed above.

It is reasonable- indeed, that a Great Guru in the past had told us that we could never pay all our parents' sacrifices in anything and any actions. Listening that, his followers even had regretfully expressed that was better they being sadistic tortured in hell than they tortured their parents.

Then I got complicated contradiction. For many years I has lived between hatred and regret, and confused of those mess feelings. Of course these negative memories have accumulated and influenced my personality. I was bad tempered, stubborn, pessimist, and I make mistake repeatedly. My thoughts were such a mess, my meditation couldn't mend my personality, even make me get worse.

When I was grown up, my parents told their bad experiences with each their parents in their childhoods. They had same experiences like me, and I got reasonable explanations about it from books, seminars, and true story films.

Slowly but sure, I began to understand about my parents' weakness as ordinary persons, not as being regarded as gods according eastern traditions that being misunderstood by them who did it. It wasn't meaning my parents changed into extremely well persons; of course they have still got old behaviors, but haven't been cruel like in the past.

I understood that they had undergone brainwashing process by each of their parents in their childhoods. Hearing my grandparents' stories of their cruelties, I felt that they were angry with me, meant they weren't existing 100% in that time, my grandparents existed and were angry with me.

From here I began to realize myself. I wanted to do some good things for my parents but I felt their authority pressure that noticed they wanted to overcome me. I believed that their motivation for my safety too, but they did wrong. I tried to change their thoughts but I totally failed. I make efforts to change myself, and I failed too. I was almost desperate and wanted to run away, but I was conscious that couldn't solve the problem.

I often contemplated, what did I need from my relationship with my parents? Did I need my compensation for my safety then? Did I deserve to behave politely to respect my parents while in my heart anger has been happening for many years abuses? I felt they didn't have me at all, because they failed to understand me at all.

Fortunately, I was relieved by reading these wise sentences that has inspired me:

"Someone indeed is master of oneself,

Who else could other master be?

With someone is perfectly trained,

Someone obtains a refuge hard to gain."

"By diligence, vigilance, restraint and self-mastery,

Let the wise make for him/her an island that no flood can overwhelm."

Then, I have been ready to face the bad moments with my parents. I have been conscious they wouldn't be angry for 24 hours. Because they would be weary after an hour of anger. I preferred to stay silent and not to talk to them for some days and just talk to them properly. Finally, I felt a change in myself without making any efforts.

I realized I could never know what they thought and felt, the important thing was I cared them y my own way. I decided my moods; I deeply appreciated and respected them with my deeds without feelings of vengeance. It was hard in the beginning, but I have decided to train myself to do that.

Then, I spent much times for contemplations, and didn't make efforts to be someone else. I even didn't want to marry someone for my filial piety, and I thought my brother and my sister could continue our family's descendants. I still felt vengeance glowing coals haven't extinguished yet, it would be burning me, my wife, and my children later. What is the usage of having family if I will continue cruelties to my indecent wife and children in the future like my ancestors did in the past?

I have known that me is good in real, and that vengeance will be extinguished for a short time. I don't want anything that makes me happy, I delay my needs to have pleasure times, and I will fulfill it if I'm depressed too much. This control spends no money and makes me comfort and relax. I'm more focused to myself to do what should I do for living happily.